As today it's Odd Socks Day, which is an initiative to break the stigma about mental illness in Australia I thought it would be fitting to begin my sharing my own story in brief (there will be more specific things later).
I am diagnosed as Bipolar type II with psychotic features. I have struggled with the illness proper for six years but it has manifested itself in some way since I was about 5. What does this confusing epithet mean?
Bipolar II is typified by periods of 'major depression' broken up by occasional episodes of 'hypomania'. The 'psychotic features' bit is something that is tacked onto the end as in my case it's not enough to warrant a separate diagnosis (of schizophrenia for example).
Depression is self-explanatory, but mania is a less clear concept. Basically, it is the opposite of depression. It is a state of elevated mood, elevated energy and lack of inhibitions. Sounds like an aphrodisiac pill, doesn't it
It feels awesome at the time!
However, these elevated moods can cause risky behaviour or agitation and ALWAYS eventually lead to a catastrophic period of depression.
The 'hypo' (for the Greek students amongst you) in 'hypomania' means
that the elevation is less extreme than in Bipolar I, but it still leads to that awful low, just like a comedown from cocaine.
What are 'psychotic features'? This is the thing that most people get wrong about this illness. As such I'll be writing a post talking about it at length. However, it DOES NOT mean that people with these features will tear your head off you if you piss them off, or have ten million different personalities.
Here's a brief history of my journey.
When I was in Year 10 a few major things happened in quick succession which I definitely think 'flipped the switch' on the whole thing. There were two deaths, my Ancient Greek teacher was murdered (RIP Craigie) and my grandmother died after being ill for quite some time. Something happened at school which I witnessed and reported but nothing happened.
And I had decided that I was fed up with school, with having to do these subjects that I didn't want to do, with having to be there day in, day out and not seeing any way for me to actually act out the Ignatian values that we were taught at Riverview.
I went to a psychologist and she told me that I was severely depressed. It's hard to explain but my thoughts were racing so much that I couldn't think straight because there was always something happening. After a few months of therapy I was put on an antidepressant called Zoloft. This worked quite well until it sent me into a period of mania in the 09-'10 holidays. I was put on another drug which worked okay for a while.
Year 11 was a terrible year. I was permanently exhausted, I could not concentrate on anything and my attendance plummeted. In Term 4 I never turned up to school before recess and most of the time I was sleeping in class or bludging in the library listening to music or sleeping. In the holiday period before Year 12 I was seriously considering dropping out of school. At a few points I thought about suicide, which was very scary for me.
I distinctly remember saying to Mum, Dad and my doctor "I want to fail all my exams just so that people will know that something is seriously wrong with me. If I had a broken arm or cancer everyone would know, but because it's on the inside, no one knows how I am feeling."
Luckily I was put on that famous mood stabiliser Lithium which turned things around. I had a great final year at Riverview, got the ATAR I wanted and was generally better all round.
I was put on a few more drugs to sort me out for my gap year in Cambodia.
Starting uni in 2013 was a mixed blessing, the subjects were so much more interesting but the grind of turning up to a huge place full of so much vacuous bullshit brought me down. This ended up in making the choice to only take 3 subjects a year. This has helped immensely!
In the middle of 2014 I found it hard to pul my thoughts together to do assignments and uni work, so I was put on antipsychotics, which made a huge difference. This led my doctors to realise that there was something else going on which was interfering with the ability to organise my thoughts, which is where the 'psychotic features' come in (these really need a longer explanation). Some other things snuck their way into the mix as well about which I will expand later on.
BUT there's a good side!
Things are very good now. I'm on a great mix of drugs; two antidepressants to do the obvious, a mood stabiliser to make sure things don't go the other way and an antispychotic to help me sleep and to deal with some other things.
Regular therapy has helped to work a lot of things out and has allowed me to let certain things go and to accept other things.
There are blips here and there, but they can go away a lot quicker now that these buffers are in place.
Gee, that was long. I'll stop the "I,me,I,me,I,me" stuff now.
Australia has a long way to go regarding mental illness, and there is still a very real stigma. Men in particular are victims of this stigma, and are far more likely to hide their struggles.
Normal people need to start talking to each other in their own circles, because there will be many people that you and I know personally who feel embarrassed or scared to share their stories. Initiatives like RUOK day, Odd Socks Day and ABC's Mental As are perfect opportunities, but we need to continue doing this every day.
I still feel hesitant to talk about my experiences in depth, but these initiatives make it clear that it's okay to bring mental illness out into the open.
More to come,
Peace!
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